Monday, January 19

exercise-coffee-depression



I have been home from The Y, where I went and participated in a ‘sit n exercise’ class. The teacher is very well liked (yes, I like her too), so the class was full today. When I say full, I mean that there were more than there usually is are on Monday. In fact, a record was set. I don’t know if it was an all-time record, but it was the biggest I’ve participated in in the last 6 (?) months. I almost didn’t go today, but forced myself.
          After the hour long class, I sat and had two cups of free coffee – yum! I love coffee, and not for the caffeine either. I don’t generally make it at home, though I did brew a pot of decaf yesterday, and drank the whole 10 cup pot. Anyway, I added a good amount of flavored creamer to each cup. If there is not creamer (which I don’t have at home… yet), then I’ll use sugar (no substitutes) or black if necessary (I have to be in the mood for black though). I stayed to drink 2 just because I didn’t want to come home and have no one to talk with (son would be asleep).
          That brings me to my thoughts on the 7 minute drive home. Depression is much like worry, being in either frame of mind accomplishes nothing good. Yes, I fully understand that both are just a frame/state of mind, yet I have such a goddamn difficult time not being in one or the other at any given time. I’ve actually been thinking of the why I suffer from depression and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not so much that I’m sad, it’s that I just feel lonely and worry about it (mostly subconsciously). On one hand I *know* that ‘it’ can and has changed in a heartbeat (within the last month even, though it didn’t last, but still). A couple of months ago, during another deep-thought about it, it occurred to me that a way to either keep from getting depressed in the first place, or perhaps even getting out of a spell of it could be… Instead of thinking about why you’re sad, try thinking of reasons to be happy. Try making a list and reading it every day. Or if necessary make a new list every day. There’s also something that a friend of mine is doing, and that’s making a ‘happy jar’. Whenever a happy thought crosses her mind, she writes it down on a small piece of paper and puts it in the jar. Or perhaps when something happens to make her happy? Either thing (or both) is a GREAT idea.

Tuesday, January 13

Anxiety, lack of energy/motivation, and stuff

    Got up this morning and felt alright, I guess, but as always it seems, a little down and cranky. It didn't/doesn't help that now *both* shoulders are sore and I can't seem to train myself to fall asleep on my back, so I'm don't think I sleep all that well. The cold and lack of sunshine is really getting to me. It's not only the outside cold, but the inside chilliness as well. I think if I could worry less about being able to afford the next electric bill (we're using a couple of utility heaters; 1 in a bedroom and 1 in the living room, plus the oil-filled heater in the living room), my crankiness and anxiety would be considerably less. That's not really what I intended on writing about when I sat down. It happens though, eh? Dammit, I actually had an idea of what I wanted to write, but it's leaving the dock of that place where trains of thought park. Anyway, while I'm on the subject of gregariousness, I'll mention that there could be a couple of reasons why I feel a little more talkative today. 1) I took a nap this morning after I got home from dropping my son off at his GED class. I was cold because it still wasn't above 65 degrees Fahrenheit in the living room, so I slept on the sofa still wearing my down coat that I had left this morning wearing. 2) Just before leaving to pick my son up from class, I decided to take a prescribed pill of a prescription I had filled (for fatigue issues). It seems to be helping with my fatigue level *and* has seemingly elevated my mood. I had *not* been taking these pills for fatigue because it's been cold outside, and because it has been cold I haven't wanted to go anywhere. Since I didn't want to go anywhere, I saw no reason to have energy that couldn't be remedied by taking a nap. Problem being that I haven't really taken naps because I find it hard to sleep when I am chilly (which has been common the last several weeks because of this effing cold spell we've been in). My point being that in hindsight, my thinking has been wrong and I should've been taking those pills whenever I got tired, unmotivated and depressed. I've never claimed to be the sharpest tool in the tool shed, nor the brightest bulb on the tree of lights. It's no excuse (well, it is, but let's not go there) but, not being around someone 24/7 who would notice things that could possibly change my mood and/or behavior is definitely a hindrance. I suppose I'm a stereotypical man/person and *think* that I don't need advice on personal matters. That's a pro of having a person who will watch for things. It really gives validity to why humans need partners. Yeah, I have totally awesome friends on the Internet whom mean the world to me, but it's just not the same as a real-life partner. I *really* miss that in my life. I hope that someday situation is rectified, which is always in the works in one way or another. For those of you whom think that I think too much in terms of "partners/mates" vs "friends", I do start every relationship with the primary goal of being friends first and going from there (most of the time).

    This question is for anyone whom knows about hot water distribution in houses. Our hot water heater is just on the other side of the wall from the bathroom sink, yet we get hot water from the bath tub faucet or the kitchen faucet quicker than from the bathroom sink's faucet; why? That just seems weird to me.

    OK, back to the human nature of doing better emotionally when one has an in-person partner, I definitely don't think I could survive as a monk, at least not one that lived in a monastery in the mountains (or anywhere for that matter). Though I guess they may have personal relationships with their brethren (?). I don't know, just thought about that today, a little.

    As I mentioned in my last ramble of it being a good thing to start reading a book that I was gifted; I have indeed read several chapters.

    Dammit, I need to pee again, and then I'll come back, assign a title to this, and get it posted on-line. Be right back.