Tuesday, May 27

Vampire book and stuff

As always, it seems anyway, I really don’t have a clue as to what I am going to say. Okay, I know one thing. I finished a book by Anne Rice that goes by the title of, “Interview With A Vampire”. In the beginning, the vampire who is being interviewed confesses that for the longest time he struggled with the concept of killing humans just for the sake of feeding on their blood. He just saw it as evil/wrong. He was pissed off at the one who made him a vampire for making an ‘evil’ being. He couldn’t accept that another vampire would create another being to suffer with the ‘torture/anguish’ of having to live with oneself, knowing that they *had* to kill to survive. For the longest time he would only kill animals (anything other than humans). Eventually he just accepted that he felt so much better/stronger if he drank from humans, unless there was no other choice; like traveling on a ship without being noticed for long periods of time.

After finishing it, there are a couple of things that stick with me. You see, in the book he met another vampire who he truly admired (fell in love with), who was fascinated by his curiosity; curiosity to learn new things, visit new places, see new art, experience new things all the time. After he’d been alive for a while though, things just stopped being new and exciting to him. When that happened, the one who was originally fascinated by his curiosity of/in life, lost interest because he fed off of that energy (he was over 400 years old). And that brings me to one of thoughts I have… being that *I* don’t have that energy about me. I have become boring. That depresses me for a couple of reasons, 1) Who the fuck (originally just wrote, “F”, but changed it because I am tired of worrying about offending people) would want to be around someone like me? I wouldn’t! I have no choice though, not really. I do obviously, if I wanted to commit suicide, but I won’t do that to my kids or anyone who knows me. It’s just too painful to lose someone that suddenly. Trust me, if you don’t know already because this is the first time to my blog… you should know that I have lost somebody suddenly and it totally sucks. And 2) I’m struggling with getting that energy back. You should know that I *am* struggling with that though, and one day I *will* get it back. The problem I am having though is that I am starting to strongly believe that I am what is called an “energy vampire”. The thing is though, that I don’t necessarily see it as a bad thing, but don’t know how ‘good’ it is either. Therefore I am back to the feeling which has me wondering if I’ll ever meet anyone who’ll share that energy with me . That being said, I know that there are people who seem to have an inexhaustible supply of energy. I met one here where I live, but she was married, plus she seems to have vanished off the face of the earth. Now that I think about that though… surely there’s got to be *someone* who will like being around me enough who’ll think more than that one or two times is enough. I had a couple of thoughts after reading the book, but now I’m unsure what others there were that I was going to write/talk about.

Tuesday, March 18

Medicine and volunteering

        Got up at 10 this morning. Before that though, I was up at 8 AM and used the bathroom, after that I made a left turn and went into the kitchen. The kitchen is where I keep my medicines and vitamin containers. Sure, I could keep them in the bathroom, if I had shelf space. I don't though, so I keep the containers on the kitchen table. It's not like we ever eat there anyway. It's just more convenient to eat in the living room. Anyway, while in the kitchen I procured my Modafinil pill and took it. 8 am was 2 hours before I was scheduled to get out of bed. Yes, I had my alarm set (for 8 and 10 am). Why? Because just knowing that it's set gives me a reason to go to bed around midnight. Otherwise, it would be easy (like last week) to stay up til whenever and probably sleep until early afternoon, thus wasting the (in my opinion) best part of the day to do things. I have decided to take my anti-fatigue pill a couple of hours before rising for good in the morning, because I've experienced a delay between the time that I swallowed it and the time it started working. In the past I've taken my anti-depressants, anti-fatigue, and vitamins all at the same time in the morning. Then for some reason I would get sleepy. So I'm thinking that 1) the anti-depressants were making me feel sleepy, which then off-set the anti-fatigue medicine. Or 2) The anti-fatigue pill makes me sleepy for the first couple of hours. In the past if I waited and took the anti-fatigue pill until I felt tiredness overtaking me in the afternoon, I had trouble getting to sleep. Therefore I've been taking the anti-depressants at bedtime (in the event taking them were making me sleepy right after taking them), and taking the anti-fatigue pill before I get up for good, to give it time to start working (just in case it was the reason that I got sleepy a couple of hours after taking all the meds. The anti-depressants and anti-fatigue meds effecting one another?).  Thinking about it though, I'm not sure if that was actually happening. I just assumed it was one or the other 'anti-' pills. In hindsight though, I don't remember getting sleepy right after taking just the anti-depressants (after I no longer took the Modafinil). Crap! Why didn't I take *just* the Modafinil to see if it made me sleepy? Only answer that if you're good at answering rhetorical questions. Now I am going to do that so that maybe I don't *have* to get up 2 hours before staying out of bed for the day. As Homer Simpson would say, and I now repeat, "D'OH!"         
          Anyway, I like to get stuff done early in the day so that I don't have to worry about them. It's also when I have more energy. Things like going to the library to check it out, also to ask them if they could use a volunteer, and if so, when. I also want to find the free food pantry and see if/when they could use volunteer services. I did help a food pantry in Missouri, and actually had a decent time hanging out with and helping other volunteers. We didn't help more than once because we were planning on moving here to Texas, so we spent all of our spare time afterward packing and getting ready. I didn't volunteer in Austin, TX because I couldn't get a handle on my fatigue. Although I did use the food pantry, or one of them, to get some free food one, financially short month. I am feeling like it would be a good way to 'give back', even if it is in a different city/county. See,  I've been feeling useless for a while now and don't like it. I *need* to do something to make me feel worth existing on this planet. I also intend to check with the hospital and ask if they could use the help. I've been hesitating going there because moving things (like sheets, blankets, towels, etc.) around while using a cane would cause me to be too slow and then it wouldn't be worth it for them or me to even try helping. I know.. I shouldn't think like that, but I do. Actually, eventually I want to volunteer for an animal shelter, old folks home, etc. Don't know when I'll have the time to help all of these places, but help I will, by golly!