Wednesday, August 6
I chose the title of no title because there is nothing in particular on my mind that I feel to write about.I just want to do something that doesn't involve sitting on a sofa holding a book, phone, or a bottle of water. Yes, I am a totally bored individual. Sure, I could go outside in the f****** sweltering heat of where I am in Texas. Not going to do that though, because after having been out there in it for just a few minutes, slight exaggeration, it would probably be more like 10 or 15, I would be getting the feeling of total and overwhelming fatigue, which is different then just feeling a little more tired than usual. I have a link on my phone somewhere that explains the difference better than I can, but I can't seem to find it. It's easy enough to find on Google though. Sure I could also put on my cooling vest and go outside, but what would I do? Water my two plants that I have in a couple of pots, and the two plants that are in front of the porch, but then what? I am also fighting with depression. I was on the generic version of Prozac for several years, but weaned myself off of it several months ago because I felt it was no longer working for me. Rather than talking with my neurologist about it though, I thought I could just work through this sadness by thinking happy thoughts like I heard I should do from several well meaning friends. However, I have an appointment with my neuro next month and talking about my depression is on the list. I will also be talking with him about being fitted for an AGO, ankle foot orthosis, or in layman's terms, a brace to help with walking for people who have foot drop, which I do. I kept hoping that it would miraculously get better if I did leg or ankle exercises, but I'm starting to feel like that was just wishful thinking. My boredom could possibly be relieved by practicing my learning of crochet that a friends talked me into trying. She even sent me some yarn and needles a few months ago. I attempted for a little while after I first got the tools, but I admit that I become totally and completely frustrated with my suckiness at it and blamed my poor dexterity. I've been hesitant to try again. But I'm feeling a little guilty for not trying harder.
Tuesday, May 27
As always, it seems anyway, I really don’t have a clue as to what I am going to say. Okay, I know one thing. I finished a book by Anne Rice that goes by the title of, “Interview With A Vampire”. In the beginning, the vampire who is being interviewed confesses that for the longest time he struggled with the concept of killing humans just for the sake of feeding on their blood. He just saw it as evil/wrong. He was pissed off at the one who made him a vampire for making an ‘evil’ being. He couldn’t accept that another vampire would create another being to suffer with the ‘torture/anguish’ of having to live with oneself, knowing that they *had* to kill to survive. For the longest time he would only kill animals (anything other than humans). Eventually he just accepted that he felt so much better/stronger if he drank from humans, unless there was no other choice; like traveling on a ship without being noticed for long periods of time.
After finishing it, there are a couple of things that stick with me. You see, in the book he met another vampire who he truly admired (fell in love with), who was fascinated by his curiosity; curiosity to learn new things, visit new places, see new art, experience new things all the time. After he’d been alive for a while though, things just stopped being new and exciting to him. When that happened, the one who was originally fascinated by his curiosity of/in life, lost interest because he fed off of that energy (he was over 400 years old). And that brings me to one of thoughts I have… being that *I* don’t have that energy about me. I have become boring. That depresses me for a couple of reasons, 1) Who the fuck (originally just wrote, “F”, but changed it because I am tired of worrying about offending people) would want to be around someone like me? I wouldn’t! I have no choice though, not really. I do obviously, if I wanted to commit suicide, but I won’t do that to my kids or anyone who knows me. It’s just too painful to lose someone that suddenly. Trust me, if you don’t know already because this is the first time to my blog… you should know that I have lost somebody suddenly and it totally sucks. And 2) I’m struggling with getting that energy back. You should know that I *am* struggling with that though, and one day I *will* get it back. The problem I am having though is that I am starting to strongly believe that I am what is called an “energy vampire”. The thing is though, that I don’t necessarily see it as a bad thing, but don’t know how ‘good’ it is either. Therefore I am back to the feeling which has me wondering if I’ll ever meet anyone who’ll share that energy with me . That being said, I know that there are people who seem to have an inexhaustible supply of energy. I met one here where I live, but she was married, plus she seems to have vanished off the face of the earth. Now that I think about that though… surely there’s got to be *someone* who will like being around me enough who’ll think more than that one or two times is enough. I had a couple of thoughts after reading the book, but now I’m unsure what others there were that I was going to write/talk about.