Saturday, July 27


I spent almost all day watching episode after episode of a show called "Weeds" that originated on the Showtime network (or whatever it's medium it's called). I'm almost done with season 2. I know there were at least 3 seasons.

I did go to the grocery store. I bought some Dr. Pepper, Cheetos, a can of Pringle-like chips, and some ice cream bars. Before you yell at me for being a bad boy, you should be proud of me for not buying alcohol or cigarettes. I haven't smoked a cigarette in over a month! I'm afraid to drink alcohol because the last time I did I nearly had to visit the emergency room because of what drinking too much 'laxin juice' does to my colon. At least I'm assuming it's the alcohol that does it. It's fine, really, I don't really enjoy drinking alone anyway. If some type of emergency not involving me were to happen, I'm the only one living here who can drive. Yeah, I know, that's what 911 is for. But that shit's so fucking expensive it's not even a little funny. I think it's that expensive to discourage people from calling 911. Either that or "they" think it's somehow empowering people to take care of themselves if at all possible. Perhaps they claim it has to be so expensive to pay for care they give to all the uninsured people? I don't know. Not real sure I even care that much. I'm just sayin!

A pretty exiting rain/thunder storm happened last night/early this morning. If there were a contest, I know that the electricity went out at 11:57 PM last night. It wasn't off for long. It did cause the alarm for this building to go off and ring/buzz very loudly. I kept hoping that it would just stop. That someone would call maintenance to come and turn it off. I know there are at least a couple of apartments in this building, on the bottom floor like we are, that have kids. I kept thinking someone with kids would call. The alarm started a little after midnight. At 2:30 AM it was still going off and I couldn't take it anymore, so I called maintenance. 10-15 minutes later the alarm was turned off. What the fuck people?! WHY WAS I THE ONLY ONE TO CALL? And why the hell doesn't an alarm going off in a building alert SOMEONE/ANYONE to come to the building to find out why the hell it's going off? It's just ridiculous that we have to call someone to turn it off!

Okay. I may go check the mail. The snail-mail that is. Though I guess I don't really need to for any reason other than curiosity or the chance that someone sent some money. Other than that, there's no hurry to get another bill or throw yet some more junk mail away, or find that we got no mail at all.

In a surprising note, my son reset the clocks on the microwave and stove in the kitchen before I got up today at 12:30 PM. I am proud of him!

Wednesday, July 24

New cooling vest

(clicking enlarges the pic)
This is me in my new cooling vest.

I did wear it when I walked over to the mailbox, then to the exercise room where I rode a stationary bike for 15 minutes, with the temp being about 97*F. The vest no doubt kept me cooler than usual the whole time, but because I only had the cooling packets in the freezer for a few hours and they weren't completely frozen, not as cool as they will when fully frozen. I don't know how much it's supposed to cover me. Maybe I should've ordered the medium size instead of the small. For anyone who's wondering, it does fit in the freezer with all 5 packets installed. They sent me 10 packets.

Possible schedule rearrangement

2:15 PM – So after I couldn’t sleep when I went to bed early last night, I decided to watch a movie. I ended up watching 2 movies. The first one was “God Bless America”. It was about a man in his early 40’s I think, who was sick and tired of the popularity of the reality shows, which he felt were like the Roman times when they were have fights to the death in coliseums right before the empire collapsed. He especially didn’t like American Idol (though in the movie it was called something else) because of the times the show has gotten really bad singers. It really bothered him when the show would use the audition of one particular wannabe contestant who wasn’t all there mentally and make fun of his handicap to give the public something to laugh at. He found out a contestant had attempted suicide and assumed the reason was because he was being ridiculed on television, but as it turned out it was because the show was going to stop showing him on TV. Anyway, this guy and a teenager who also felt like America was going downhill decided that they would just kill (by shooting) anyone who they thought was contributing to the downfall of America. It was actually a pretty good movie. The other movie watched was “Mission Impossible 3” (M.I. III).

The reason I watched 2 movies was because I decided that I would stay up as late as I could and then sleep really late, then I could slowly rearrange my schedule so that I’m up and awake more when it’s dark and cooler. Since I don’t do well physically or psychologically when I’ve over heated, which is easy to do when the outside temperatures are in the high 90’s to low 100’s, I figure “why not go out and do things after the sun goes down instead on during the day when it’s so hot?” Plus my schedule would be more in alignment with my son’s. Then of course today my cooling vest was delivered. The cooling packs are in the freezer as we speak. So now I have to decide if I really want to reverse my schedule. - 3:01 PM

Tuesday, July 23

Not sleepy, just bored

And since I don't have the energy or motivation to do anything physical (like workout. Though I did do 13 push-ups a little while ago), I'm just going to watch a movie.

Early bed time

          It's not even 9 in the evening but I'm thinking about going to bed. Spent between 1 and 4:30 at the doctor's. Then I took myself to Jack in The Box for a late lunch/early supper. Then I went over to the office and got a cup of coffee because I read that drinking caffeine first thing in the morning helps your body & brain wake-up, so I figured I would give it a go in late afternoon. It didn't really do much for me. I guess I was already worn out. Took a nap for about an hour after I texted with dear daughter for a few minutes. She had to go to bed, so I wished her a good night and sweet dreams, and told her that I love her very much. Then I took a nap from 6:15 to 7 PM. After that I went to the pharmacy and picked up a prescription. Was feeling pretty good after I got home, so I  washed the inside and outside of the windshield and the front driver and passenger windows. After that was done I came back into the apartment and realized that I was exhausted... again. So now that pretty much everything that needs to be done is done, except vacuuming which I'll either do tomorrow before noon or talk my dear son into doing it, it's downtime. I would do it this evening, but it's not that important because the only visitors we ever have are people we're related to. It's not filthy anyway, so it can wait until tomorrow. Dear son stayed up all night and didn't go to bed until noonish, so he's asleep. I don't feel like watching a movie on Netflix by myself, I've already read a little of a new book and am not in the mood for reading anyway. Hence why I'm strongly considering going to bed. Tomorrow I'm going to see if I can find a very inexpensive class in Tia-Chi.

Hope you had a great day. And may tomorrow be the best day of your far! Good night!

Monday, July 22

The happy to be healthy

7/21/2013 10:44 PM (beginning time)

It was a pretty good day. At least I did no physical harm. Notice I didn’t say that I did no harm, because how my actions or inaction affect the cosmic energy, I don’t know. I suppose I could say that I didn’t do any intentional harm. I did try to smash an ant when I was by the hot-tub, but I missed and didn’t think it important enough to chase it down.

Yeah, I did say “hot-tub”, even though the temperature was probably in the 90’s. Ya know what? I really have no idea what the temp was when I went to sit in the tub of hot water this morning. I did something today that I had never done before. What? Oh, the first activity I participated in after my nightly-morning rest was to put on my swim trunks and head to the hot-tub, even before having breakfast or anything more than a drink of water. I’ve wanted to sit in the hot-tub for a few days, but never did, primarily because I don’t like sitting in it alone. But today I thought, “Screw it, I’m going in alone and I don’t care who sees me walking there. Been very self-conscious of what people will think of me when they see me walking. Yes, I have been told straight-up by whomever I’m with that it’s no big deal. Just doesn’t feel like ‘no big deal’ to me though. Or see me sitting alone.” Although I know deep-down I should NOT care what others think, I do think someone may be thinking it‘s just pathetic to always be without a side-kick. Ya know what? I don’t really think anyone would think that, but I kind of feel that way because I am always by myself. That being said, I have had a rise in “happy thoughts” the last few days, Hmm… mayhap this whole “consciously changing negative thoughts into positive ones for increased happiness” stuff is for real. See, in my quest to be not like everyone else, it’s coming to my front conscious that some things that are considered “normal” aren’t so bad after all. Like the theory that all it takes to be happy is to think happy thoughts. Could it really be that simple? I am having trouble really believing that we can change our physical health by using thoughts alone or even primarily. What if it’s your brain that has problems? Say like Multiple Sclerosis which is confirmed by running an imaging scan of the brain, and if lesions (scars) are seen to be in the actual brain matter, you have MS, or something along those lines. Healing my brain by thinking it all better just doesn’t seem likely to me. Again, could it really be that simple? Or am I just going to have health issues the rest of my life? Though my wife and daughter say there have been instances of ‘total remission’ of MS-like symptoms just by changing the diet. I mostly follow the low-carb/low processed food way of eating. Again, it conjures up thoughts like, “just because it’s on the Internet doesn’t make it true”. I just need to meet someone who been lucky enough to basically be healed (remised?), in person, before I become a believer. I don’t know why I can’t have more faith. I do have a brain disorder, so give me break. LOL. Like Mulder said, “I WANT TO BELIEVE”.

Also today, I rode the stationary bike in the exercise room for 15 minutes. I did an aerobics workout via a Wii program. I did some balance exercises, also using the Wii system. Enjoyed a few games of Wii sports with my son. A load of laundry was completely done. Oh yeah, and I cooked breakfast for me, then lunch/supper for me and the young man I like to call my son.

This concludes another session of “Deep thoughts by Todd”. Until next time,

Think Happy!

finished time: 11:59 PM

Friday, July 19

Thursday nights group meeting

I went to another support group meeting last night. We talked about meditation and did a short version of what guided meditation will be like. Next Thursday we’re going to do an actual 20 minute/full meditation. I just need to remember 3 memories in my past that I remember being truly happy. One that I have is when I was lying in a field with my childhood best friend, looking up at the clouds and describing the shapes we saw. Now I just need 2 more that I can elongate into the happy feeling for at least a minute. I originally thought one memory could be when I was reciting my wedding vows in front of the judge, but I don’t know if that’s smart because it brings back memories of when Renee’ was alive. Yeah, I know that there must be some good memories with her over the 20 years that I knew her, but it’s still hard to think of those times without getting sad.

Wednesday, July 17

Movie and other stuff

My son and I went and saw “Pacific Rim” last night at the IMAX Theater, in 3-D. It was a really good movie; intense from start to finish. Not to spoil it for you, but you should know that the good guys win in the end. Lol. I decided last week that we should do more things together, but I don’t want him to feel obligated. It’s difficult knowing what to do because when I ask him what he’d like to do, he always shrugs his shoulders. I do ask him things like, “You want to go to the park with me”, but his answer is almost always, “Nah.” Not emphatically, just uninterested. But, me being me thinks, “then so be it, I’ll just go by myself”. It’s not like I can run around and play Frisbee, so it’s hard for me to talk him into it. Thinking about it now though, I think I’ll start being more insistent that he go with me. That way he’ll know that I want to do things with him. Which is the reason I asked him if he would go see a movie with me last night. I didn’t have any trouble getting him to go out for ice cream before the movie though. Lol. Actually, last week we were going to go and play some miniature golf, but the place we went has a very small parking lot, which was full, so we just came home. But last week was especially bad for me in the emotional sense, at least in the beginning, in that depression started to consume me, so I just blew off the mini golf attempt. Later in the week, after talking with some good, longtime friends, I managed to get out of that particular depressive mindset. 

Then last Thursday I signed-up for a support group online, and actually went to the meeting. As it turned out, it was good for me to connect to people having similar life issues who just really needed to be around others of like mind. It’s a group ran by a couple who believe that happiness really is a choice, but that you have to train your brain to hold onto it. I want to believe that is all there is to it, but I just never learned how. The plan is to learn how to do that through guided meditation. I met some really cool people whom I’ll be seeing a few of again tomorrow night, plus meeting a few new people. It’s entirely possible that I have made some new friends, which I really, really need.

Sunday, July 14

Being me

It's not as ^ being me as I make it look! ROFLMAO!

Saturday, July 13

New instrument to learn

I'll Be learning to play this At my weekly support group/ new friend meetings. this was just given to me at the last meeting. :)

Sent from my Cricket mobile device

Wednesday, July 10

Neurologist visit

I went to the neurologist yesterday. It was an okay visit. I told him that I had been having more than usual depression problems. He asked me to tell him about that and I didn’t really know what to say, which is what I told him. I just said that I just wondered if the medicine, specifically the anti-depressant medication, was even doing anything. Then I reminded him that I had been completely off of it for almost a month up until the last time I saw him (2 weeks ago). He reminded me that sometimes it takes a little bit to start working again. He also gave me some samples of a different medicine to take with the anti-depressants, called Deplin. Supposedly it helps the body absorb the medicine better and has made a big difference to/for some of his other patients. I took one yesterday and one today. Unfortunately the prescription D Medicare Prescription Insurance won’t pay for it. So even if it does help, I can’t afford it every month. But hey, I have enough for almost 2 months now because I did fill the prescription that he called in for me. I also asked him if he could get the Modafinil (generic Provigil) refilled for me. He said he’d try (a different doctor had been filling it, and it's an FDA controlled substance). He even kept the empty bottle I took in. Hopefully he’ll be able to call that in today, as I’ve been having fatigue issues; which could also be contributing to the depression problems I’ve been having. Not saying that’s why I’ve been more depressed. I’m saying it could be a factor.