Monday, January 19


I have been home from The Y, where I went and participated in a ‘sit n exercise’ class. The teacher is very well liked (yes, I like her too), so the class was full today. When I say full, I mean that there were more than there usually is are on Monday. In fact, a record was set. I don’t know if it was an all-time record, but it was the biggest I’ve participated in in the last 6 (?) months. I almost didn’t go today, but forced myself.
          After the hour long class, I sat and had two cups of free coffee – yum! I love coffee, and not for the caffeine either. I don’t generally make it at home, though I did brew a pot of decaf yesterday, and drank the whole 10 cup pot. Anyway, I added a good amount of flavored creamer to each cup. If there is not creamer (which I don’t have at home… yet), then I’ll use sugar (no substitutes) or black if necessary (I have to be in the mood for black though). I stayed to drink 2 just because I didn’t want to come home and have no one to talk with (son would be asleep).
          That brings me to my thoughts on the 7 minute drive home. Depression is much like worry, being in either frame of mind accomplishes nothing good. Yes, I fully understand that both are just a frame/state of mind, yet I have such a goddamn difficult time not being in one or the other at any given time. I’ve actually been thinking of the why I suffer from depression and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not so much that I’m sad, it’s that I just feel lonely and worry about it (mostly subconsciously). On one hand I *know* that ‘it’ can and has changed in a heartbeat (within the last month even, though it didn’t last, but still). A couple of months ago, during another deep-thought about it, it occurred to me that a way to either keep from getting depressed in the first place, or perhaps even getting out of a spell of it could be… Instead of thinking about why you’re sad, try thinking of reasons to be happy. Try making a list and reading it every day. Or if necessary make a new list every day. There’s also something that a friend of mine is doing, and that’s making a ‘happy jar’. Whenever a happy thought crosses her mind, she writes it down on a small piece of paper and puts it in the jar. Or perhaps when something happens to make her happy? Either thing (or both) is a GREAT idea.

Tuesday, January 13

Anxiety, lack of energy/motivation, and stuff

    Got up this morning and felt alright, I guess, but as always it seems, a little down and cranky. It didn't/doesn't help that now *both* shoulders are sore and I can't seem to train myself to fall asleep on my back, so I'm don't think I sleep all that well. The cold and lack of sunshine is really getting to me. It's not only the outside cold, but the inside chilliness as well. I think if I could worry less about being able to afford the next electric bill (we're using a couple of utility heaters; 1 in a bedroom and 1 in the living room, plus the oil-filled heater in the living room), my crankiness and anxiety would be considerably less. That's not really what I intended on writing about when I sat down. It happens though, eh? Dammit, I actually had an idea of what I wanted to write, but it's leaving the dock of that place where trains of thought park. Anyway, while I'm on the subject of gregariousness, I'll mention that there could be a couple of reasons why I feel a little more talkative today. 1) I took a nap this morning after I got home from dropping my son off at his GED class. I was cold because it still wasn't above 65 degrees Fahrenheit in the living room, so I slept on the sofa still wearing my down coat that I had left this morning wearing. 2) Just before leaving to pick my son up from class, I decided to take a prescribed pill of a prescription I had filled (for fatigue issues). It seems to be helping with my fatigue level *and* has seemingly elevated my mood. I had *not* been taking these pills for fatigue because it's been cold outside, and because it has been cold I haven't wanted to go anywhere. Since I didn't want to go anywhere, I saw no reason to have energy that couldn't be remedied by taking a nap. Problem being that I haven't really taken naps because I find it hard to sleep when I am chilly (which has been common the last several weeks because of this effing cold spell we've been in). My point being that in hindsight, my thinking has been wrong and I should've been taking those pills whenever I got tired, unmotivated and depressed. I've never claimed to be the sharpest tool in the tool shed, nor the brightest bulb on the tree of lights. It's no excuse (well, it is, but let's not go there) but, not being around someone 24/7 who would notice things that could possibly change my mood and/or behavior is definitely a hindrance. I suppose I'm a stereotypical man/person and *think* that I don't need advice on personal matters. That's a pro of having a person who will watch for things. It really gives validity to why humans need partners. Yeah, I have totally awesome friends on the Internet whom mean the world to me, but it's just not the same as a real-life partner. I *really* miss that in my life. I hope that someday situation is rectified, which is always in the works in one way or another. For those of you whom think that I think too much in terms of "partners/mates" vs "friends", I do start every relationship with the primary goal of being friends first and going from there (most of the time).

    This question is for anyone whom knows about hot water distribution in houses. Our hot water heater is just on the other side of the wall from the bathroom sink, yet we get hot water from the bath tub faucet or the kitchen faucet quicker than from the bathroom sink's faucet; why? That just seems weird to me.

    OK, back to the human nature of doing better emotionally when one has an in-person partner, I definitely don't think I could survive as a monk, at least not one that lived in a monastery in the mountains (or anywhere for that matter). Though I guess they may have personal relationships with their brethren (?). I don't know, just thought about that today, a little.

    As I mentioned in my last ramble of it being a good thing to start reading a book that I was gifted; I have indeed read several chapters.

    Dammit, I need to pee again, and then I'll come back, assign a title to this, and get it posted on-line. Be right back.


Thursday, January 8


I know you didn’t know this, so I’m going to tell you now. For the last couple of weeks I’ve been thinking, “I’ve been watching too much TV have a book that was given to me on Yule that it would be an honorable thing to do by reading.” Being the procrastinator that I am, I haven’t started reading it yet. However, it appears that The Universe has decided that now is the time to do that. How did it send this message, you may be wondering. Or you may not, but like I said, I will tell you. After I returned home from dropping my son off at class this morning I pushed the [on] button on top of the television then went and sat on the sofa. A couple of minutes later I noticed that the TV wasn’t on. No big deal. Sometimes I hadn’t pushed the button hard enough and it hadn’t. So I went and pushed the button again, making sure that the light that says it’s on comes on and sit down again. Another couple of minutes pass and it’s still not on. Thinking that maybe it just needs to warm up a little beforehand, I practice patience. That was to no avail. It appears as though our TV has decided that today is THE day to stop working.
          In other news, it was the coldest morning that we’ve had this winter where we are. It dropped to a chilly 20 degrees Fahrenheit this morning (outside). Now I *know* that a *lot* of places were *much* colder, but for us it was *really* cold. The outdoor temperature is really not a big deal in and of itself. It was that it got down to 55* F. inside that was uncomfortable, and that was with an oil filled, ribbed heater being on all night on high. Thankfully I did sleep [pretty well, despite its most likely getting a little cooler in my bedroom with only the utility heater running (my oil-filled heater quit a couple of weeks ago). But I do have 4 blankets (though 2 are pretty light) on my bed, plus I was wearing a long sleeve shirt, a pullover, and fingerless mittens. When I first went to bed I had on my stocking hat. I decided that was a bit much, so I took that off. I do admit to sleeping with it on a week or so ago though. I also had my calf-high socks on. I don’t know what’s happened to me. I didn’t used to be such a cold-temperature wimp. But now I literally *hate* being cold and will do almost anything to avoid getting that way. It’s rather ironic, because if I get overheated I also become uncomfortable, have *zero* energy and just want to sleep. Right now I’m sitting at the computer with the aforementioned shirt, pullover and fingerless mittens on, but I’ve also got on a down-filled coat and stocking hat on. Sigh! Just Sigh!
          Before I started writing, I decided that I had to do something, I went and brought the recycle bin from the curb and put it just outside the front door. I’ve also walked around the living room chair several times in order to warm-up a little more. I also realized (well, I knew, but…) that I have no jumping ability anymore. I tried to jump up and touch the ceiling… nope, no can do. Oh well, it was something to do. One doesn’t realize how addicted one is to television until one doesn’t have one. Ya know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I understand that for a lot of people it’s not a big deal because they don’t watch it much (if at all) anyway. Actually, I know what that’s like because up until about a month or 2 or 3 ago (?), we weren’t able to get any reception and therefore didn’t watch it either. Read several books when without it. I wonder if my depression will lessen by reading more. Hell, I might even give learning to crochet another try. I’m sure that’ll make at one person I know happy (you know who you are. Lol).
          What else? I’m still trying to decide if we should stop and get gas in the car on the way home. I could get it at one place for $1.76.9/gal, or at 7-11 for $1.79.9/gal and then get a cup of coffee. I could get coffee at the place with less expensive gas, but they don’t have hot-cup holders. Funny how the little things make a difference, eh? Wish I could keep that in my mind for other aspects of life.
          Well, it’s time to drive 20 minutes to where my son takes his class, and then once he’s in the car, head back here, deciding whether or not to get gas and coffee or not. Thanks for reading my blathering.
          BTW: It’s all the way up to 61*F in the living room now. Woot!

Tuesday, January 6

Prostate. Threats of death

I have a message (voice-mail) waiting for me from the company which now supplies catheters for me since my visit to the E.R. a few weeks ago; and the visit with the Urologist a few weeks ago too (one day after visiting the E.R.) because I couldn’t pee. Since then I’ve had another visit with the Urologist after he put me on medicine to relax my prostate, and another one to reduce any swelling of it. The 2nd med, to reduce any swelling, doesn’t (according to the Urologist) show results of working for 6 months. Not sure if it’s because of the med to relax my prostate or just time, but I am now able to pee without cathing every time. Unfortunately, I still can’t completely empty my bladder, so I still use the cath. if I’m feeling particularly full or sometimes before bed depending on my mood. Anyway, what I was going to say about the voice-mail was that I’m not sure what to say when I answer it. Thinking, "Do I *need*  to order more even though I still have about 60 catheters; like, should I order them 'just in case' I have the problem again?" What I want to look-up is whether or not there’s a way to strengthen my bladder so that I do empty each time.  I wonder if doing Kegels would help? I do try to do them after I go to bed (sometimes), because that’s when I remember, but I don’t know if they help with the bladder issue.
           One thing that tells me I definitely have depression is that on television and in movies anyway, is when someone is being threatened with death they always get really scared, and I’m thinking, “What is big deal?” I *think* if it were me I would just tell them to go ahead and kill me. Granted it would totally suck for the people whom would miss me, but the whole threat of “I’m going to kill you if you don’t tell what I want to know” doesn’t seem like much of a threat to me.