It's been said that I'm an old soul. It's been said that I'm not so much an old soul, just a tired one. As I've gotten older, it does seem that I am tired more, so maybe I an old soul after all. Then again, fatigue is a symptom of Multiple Sclerosis. I took something called Provigil for the longest time, and it did seem to help. At some point I was switched to the generic version; Modafinil. Haven't taken that for a while because it was too slow (took too long before I felt more energy after taking it) to work. Then I noticed that once it did start to give me energy, that it was around my usual bed time at the time, which was midnight. So I'd go to bed and lay there awake for hours (which is now 'the usual'). I also used to take Trazodone 30 minutes before bedtime so that I would fall asleep fairly quickly. That was fine, but it occurred to me that maybe I wouldn't need the Trazodone if I wasn't taking the Provigil (Modafinil) during the day, so I stopped taking it. I did continue to take the Modafinil for about a year after I stopped the Trazodone. So now I take neither, but I have very little energy during the day, but if I take something for that, then I can't get to sleep after I go to bed, at least that's been my the reason for about 6 or so months now for not taking the Modafinil. However, I'm now starting to reconsider taking the Modafinil again. Okay, so I won't go to sleep at midnight, but there really isn't a strong necessity to go to bed at midnight anyway. Therefore I might as well have the energy during the day, and then just stay awake until I am tired enough to sleep, then just sleep until I wake-up. I don't have to be up before noon, 1 or 2, or later in the afternoon. It's not like I have things I have to do at a specific time, so I might as well sleep. Nobody will miss me while I am asleep anyway. Sad, but true. If I need to do laundry; well, the laundromat is open 24 hours. If we need groceries, all I'd have to do is drive about 10 more miles than usual, to the store with groceries that is also open 24 hours. In other words, there's no real reason to worry about how long the energy pill takes to kick in, so I might as well take it.
On another note, I'm starting to think it's probably nobody's great loss to not be dating me. I don't really have anything that I'd be adding to the life of someone else, so she might as well find someone else. I consider not even watching for "her", but then I think, "I deserve love too, dammit!", so I keep my eyes and heart open, even though I really am just tired of trying. <heavy sigh>