Wednesday, March 12

The life of the tired old soul

          It's been said that I'm an old soul. It's been said that I'm not so much an old soul, just a tired one. As I've gotten older, it does seem that I am tired more, so maybe I an old soul after all. Then again, fatigue is a symptom of Multiple Sclerosis. I took something called Provigil for the longest time, and it did seem to help. At some point I was switched to the generic version; Modafinil. Haven't taken that for a while because it was too slow (took too long before I felt more energy after taking it) to work. Then I noticed that once it did start to give me energy, that it was around my usual bed time at the time, which was midnight. So I'd go to bed and lay there awake for hours (which is now 'the usual'). I also used to take Trazodone 30 minutes before bedtime so that I would fall asleep fairly quickly. That was fine, but it occurred to me that maybe I wouldn't need the Trazodone if I wasn't taking the Provigil (Modafinil) during the day, so I stopped taking it. I did continue to take the Modafinil for about a year after I stopped the Trazodone. So now I take neither, but I have very little energy during the day, but if I take something for that, then I can't get to sleep after I go to bed, at least that's been my the reason for about 6 or so months now for not taking the Modafinil. However, I'm now starting to reconsider taking the Modafinil again. Okay, so I won't go to sleep at midnight, but there really isn't a strong necessity to go to bed at midnight anyway. Therefore I might as well have the energy during the day, and then just stay awake until I am tired enough to sleep, then just sleep until I wake-up. I don't have to be up before noon, 1 or 2, or later in the afternoon. It's not like I have things I have to do at a specific time, so I might as well sleep. Nobody will miss me while I am asleep anyway. Sad, but true. If I need to do laundry; well, the laundromat is open 24 hours. If we need groceries, all I'd have to do is drive about 10 more miles than usual, to the store with groceries that is also open 24 hours. In other words, there's no real reason to worry about how long the energy pill takes to kick in, so I might as well take it.
When I decided to write in my blog tonight, I was just going to fill everyone in on the exciting things happening in my life. But in all honesty, there is nothing exciting happening in my life to write about. The only thing "exciting" that I has happened out of the ordinary is the accident of someone backing into my front fender last week and denting the car just behind the headlight on the driver's side. It was the fault of the person who hit me. I've already contacted their insurance company, who told me to get an estimate on the cost of repairs and have that faxed to them. I did that last week, and am now waiting for the money to come in the mail so I can get the car fixed. I got a letter from the insurance company saying they are going to pay $1500, unfortunately for me, the estimate to fix the car is $1700. Um, I don't have $200 to add to a check of $1500 to get the auto shop to fix it. So, if indeed they do send me only $1500, then I'll make other arrangements. We shall see.

          On another note, I'm starting to think it's probably nobody's great loss to not be dating me. I don't really have anything that I'd be adding to the life of someone else, so she might as well find someone else. I consider not even watching for "her", but then I think, "I deserve love too, dammit!", so I keep my eyes and heart open, even though I really am just tired of trying. <heavy sigh>


Lee said...

I think re-visiting the meds so you feel more energy is a good idea. Also talk about how it was hard to sleep, maybe changing when you took it, or something could help with that. You would bring lots of things to a relationship,don't short change the person you are!

Forever Engaged said...

You DO deserve love too, dammit! If you are a good person and you treat "her" right, you are worth a lot more than many men out there! You have yourself to offer and that is A LOT!
About the car, do you have any scrap yards around? You can try to find a fender yourself. Might even find one the same color. Just a thought. I don't know if the picture is misrepresenting, but it doesn't look that bad... I'd leave it and pocket the money. Is that illegal? If it is, I didn't just say that. Lol

They are not aware said...

It is NOT illegal to not get the car fixed and pocket the insurance money.
I think the idea of taking the med at a different time might be a good thing to try to see if you can get the energy at a more appropriate time of day. With your MS you need all the sunlight you can get for some natural Vitamin D.

Todd said...

well, thank you Lee. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who thinks its a good idea to play with my medicine times.

as for the relationship thing, thank you for that too.

Todd said...

you're right, I should check the junk yard. Surely there's gotta be one around here somewhere.

I have a friend here who says he thinks he can fix that bumper, for a lot less than 1,500 dollars. So I could use you as part of that money to pay down the loan on the car which is only like 1800 dollars.

Todd said...

Thank you miss not aware, I wondered if it was illegal to keep that money or not.

as for the natural vitamin D / sunshine, you're right I probably do need more. And I also need to buy some vitamin D 3 vitamins.