Thursday, October 23


          There was once a time in my life, seemingly eons ago, that I was never bored. Today though, I found myself being that very thing. I posted to Facebook that I literally could not think of anything to do. A couple of weeks ago (maybe less) I posted that I was bored as well. A good, longtime friend told me (wrote a comment) that “boredom is just a state-of-mind.” Of course deep down I know that to be true, but for some reason I didn’t see it. Then again today the thinking (or lack thereof) of there being nothing to do crossed my mind. In reality there are many things that I can do (library, gym, cleaning, etc.). My problem is that I worry about having the energy to do them (rather, what I’ll feel like after doing them). You see, I do things for 15 minutes (or so) and get really fatigued. Knowing that, I tend not to even get started doing them. Why? I don’t really know. I think partly because they seem to be something to just to kill time, and that depresses me. See, I’ve found, or am finding, that I just don’t get any real joy out of life anymore, and that too depresses me. It would seem that I have a depression problem (obviously!), which again is just a state of mind (well, to an extent, minus chemical imbalances), and I know that too, but. I am taking medication for it, but I’m beginning to wonder if it’s enough or the correct medicine, or maybe it’s just me. There has been a lot of reading happening and that’s a good thing, but I did that today already. I also took a nap. Those things happened before the “boredom” post. Thinking back, I believe it (the post) was more me being tired than anything (could’ve been that lack of food too). Since then, I’ve eaten (instant oatmeal), and have been outside (it’s a beautiful 80 degrees Fahrenheit). There were a couple of tennis balls on just the other side of our fence, between the chain-link fence and trees/bushes, that I noticed a few days ago, that I’ve since (today) coaxed to our side of said fence and threw towards the tennis courts.
About the cleaning… See, I bought a sponge-mop a few weeks ago to mop our kitchen and bathroom floors. However, I’ve been procrastinating using it to do said floors because, well, having white/clean floors just doesn’t seem all that important. I’ve just learned to accept them as not being white. It’s not like we eat off of them, so germs aren’t a worry. We don’t get visitors, so it’s not like I have to impress anyone with my cleaning ability. Oddly enough I have kept the sinks clean and the toilet white-ish. It’s weird, because when we lived in MO I cleaned a lot, but since moving to TX it hasn’t seemed important. Probably because I still haven’t completely come to terms with my spouse passing. I probably could use some counseling, but I don’t know how to go about getting it because I only have Medicare for insurance. Also more than likely because we owned the place in MO and now only rent. In the past, decades ago, it used to be a wonder to me what difference that really made, but since going from owning to renting, I’ve noticed that lack of ownership does affect ones outlook, even on neatness and cleanliness of surroundings. Don’t get me wrong, I still keep the place fairly neat and organized, I’m just don’t worry about it.
            Since I’m now in the writing mood I’ll tell you that within the next couple of weeks (next week to be exact) we will be acquiring a digital converter box from friends of ours. Then, hopefully/probably we’ll be able to fight off boredom by watching television. I know that probably doesn’t sound all that exciting to most people, but we haven’t had reception for several months due to lack of funds and because I’ve found it unnecessary. I also wanted to see what it was like without it. Since being without it I have read many books, and so has my son. Being who I am become though, I’m more interested in having television so that I can watch sports. That has been the one thing I’ve missed watching; the rest of it hasn’t been missed. I was tired of sitcoms and other (IMO) junk-tv before getting rid of cablevision.
            More on the boredom topic (come-on, you know how interesting it is) I’d like to mention that in the past, one way that I fought it was by writing. Since I’ve written this stuff today, I actually feel better. So I don’t know why I haven’t been doing it more often. It feels good getting my thoughts out of my head and onto the screen. Therefore it makes sense for me to do it more often. I’ve been told before that people actually like hearing from me, but I tend to forget that and go into a funk and stop for no apparent reason. I used to write in my journal and in this blog all the time. Since I don’t think highly of my own prose, grasping that eludes me. Like I said though, I’ve always felt better after getting it out. Like the saying goes, I am my own worst critic. Speaking of writing, back before she passed away, my late wife was writing a story that was never finished. I need to read it again to remember, but if memory serves, it was a romantic mystery. At one point I considered finishing it in a kind of tribute to her starting it. She finished several chapters that I read last year (or the year before). It was really good. Maybe I should reconsider doing that again. It’s kind of ironic because it was me who at one time wanted to be a writer but didn’t follow through in doing it. She did though and I think it would be cathartic for me to continue her story. What do you think?
            Well, as always, once I got started, it turned into a lot of words on the page. So, I’ll leave you so you can read this with the knowledge that I promise to be more, uh, what’s the word (?)... prolific in my rambling. I am “The Rambleman,” so I should resume being just that. Until next time!


They are not aware said...

It is good to see you blogging again, really.
Having a TV will help fill in some time. Not all the shows are garbage even if most are.

Todd said...

thank you for saying it's good to see me blog again.and I know you're right about the TV filling in time and that not everything is junk. I was just burned out on TV because it was the only thing I was doing besides computing. it was before I started reading again.

Forever Engaged said...

I lived many many years without cable. I got three channels and felt productive because there wasn't much to watch. Now, cable has been forced on me and I think I have gained 5 pounds from parking my ass on the couch and obsessing over all the news channels.
Beware the tv my friend. :)

On your depression and counseling. Have you looked into church groups or online groups that offer free services to grieving spouses? There has to be such a thing and if not, maybe you could start one. Even if you are two or three people meeting in a Starbucks.

Todd said...

a couple of years ago I belonges to an E-group on yahoogroups with people who had lost their spouses to death. I ended up leaving the group because it was just too sad. Since then I really haven't looked for a a group, rather I've just been pretty much trying to live my life without any Council / talking ever since. But I'm wondering if talking to a official counselor would do me some good.