How to Argue with Ultraconservative Fundamentalists

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How to Argue with Ultraconservative Fundamentalists

• On Defending the Environment (what they call "Creation Care"):

  Fundamentalists say: God says in Genesis "let mankind have dominion over all the earth." Plus, the Rapture is coming soon, so why bother picking up our beef jerky wrappers if the end is near?

  Sinners say: God also promoted stewardship of the Earth in Genesis. And dominion isn't a synonym for pillage. Otherwise Genesis would state, "kick the living shit out of that tick-infested dump, it sucks worse than Hell." Environmental disasters, like Katrina or polluted waterways, hit the poor the hardest. In fact, the progressive Christian charity, Christian Aid, released a report in 2006 warning that close to 200 million people could die in Africa by the year 3000 as a result of famine, drought, and floods brought on by climate change. And remember, Revelation 11:18 says God will destroy those who destroy the earth.

• On Gay Marriage:

  Fundamentalists say: What's next? Are you gonna let them have sex with cocker spaniels? God calls it an abomination.

  Sinners say: Why do evangelicals always use cocker spaniels as an example? Cocker spaniels are straight. Greyhounds, on the other hand. Now they're into that gay shit. Despite evangelicals' rhetoric about the institution of marriage being placed under attack by the liberals and the gays, the real assault is coming from within their own ranks. According to Barna Research, Born Again Christians have a higher divorce rate than any other social group in the United States.

• Intelligent Design

  Fundamentalists say: Humans are too complex to not have a Creator.

  Sinners say: Who created God? He's complex too, right? Does God have an Intelligent Designer as well? Plus, there are many unintelligent imperfections in nature, such as the human eye, whose inside-out retina causes a blind spot in our field of vision. And come on, would an Intelligent Designer really create Matchbox 20, Vin Diesel, or men with nipples? If you want to teach Intelligent Design, save it for philosophy class. It's not science.

• Euthanasia:

  Fundamentalists say: The Youth-in-Asia worship oriental dragon gods and don't realize that the fortunes inside those cookies are tools of Satan.

  Sinners say: God never intended for us to be kept alive on machines, otherwise he'd have included a power switch on our asses.

• Michael Moore:

  Fundamentalists say: He's annoying.

  Sinners say: He's annoying.

• Women

  Fundamentalists say: Women need to accept their traditional gender role as casserole-cooking servants. They allowed sin to enter the Garden of Eden and are weaker than men emotionally and physically.

  Sinners say: The Old Testament often compares God to a mother. Jesus loved women too. He appeared to Mary Magdalene first after resurrecting instead of revealing himself to some smelly disciple with a fig-leaf jockstrap.

• Capital Punishment

  Fundamentalists say: The Bible says an eye for an eye.

  Sinners say: The Bible also says thou shall not kill. Jesus spent his time on earth forgiving and healing sinners, not strapping them to a chair and shooting lightning bolts.

• The Iraq War

  Fundamentalists say: We support the troops but often wonder why there was no cool T-shirt line, like in Operation Desert Storm.

  Sinners say: We support the troops but wonder why there was no planning or exit strategy.

• The Holidays

  Fundamentalists say: A banner at Target says Happy Holidays! Quick, tell the kids to crouch beneath their desks! There's a war on Christmas!

  Sinners say: It's true. We've waged war on the holiday because there is strong evidence to support that Christmas has tried to obtain highly refined aluminum tubes from Africa to reinstate its WMD program. Come on...Nobody, except Falwell and O'Reilly, cares if you want to call it Christmas or even Baby Jesus Birthday Cake Day. As long as you're okay with Jews wishing you Happy Hanukkah and sending you a Cracker Barrel gift basket where the pork sausage stick has been replaced with Kosher liverwurst, a decorative menorah, and a yarmulke. And incidentally, Bush has sent out a generic "happy holidays" card every year since he's taken office.

• Faith-Based Initiatives

• Fundamentalists say: Church-based social services groups should definitely receive government funding, as long as they're not of an immoral non-Christian faith, of course.

  Sinners say: People in need of social services and relief should be able to find help without having to visit a government-subsidized group of faith healers who want to convert them and teach them how to handle rattlesnakes. Many "secular" groups have been losing funding to faith-based initiatives, especially if they promote condoms, education about abortion, or break with the evangelical agenda. George Bush even created the White House Office of Faith-Based and Community Initiatives in 2001. And let's be honest, "faith-based" means Christian. Buddhists and Wiccans aren't getting the money to run sex-ed classes and operate homeless shelters.

• Stem Cells:

  Fundamentalists say: We couldn't hear what they said...it was something inaudibly shrill about babies, the Holocaust, and Ted Kennedy.

  Sinners say: You've got to be kidding. Why not defend the rights of the psoriasis flakes from Pat Robertson's scalp. Or how about boogers?

• The Poor:

  Fundamentalists say: We don't want no welfare nation. Tax-'n'-spend Communists like Howard Dean want to give our money away to the lazy people in society.

  Sinners say: The Bible mentions helping the poor over three thousand times. It mentions tax-'n'-spend liberals, um, zero times.

• Abstinence Education:

  Fundamentalists say: Sex education sends a mixed message. Virgin does not mean loser.

  Sinners say: Did you wait until marriage? Probably not. And to be clear, virgin does, in fact, mean loser. Look it up.

• Abortion:

  Fundamentalists say: You're pro-death, not pro-life.

  Sinners say: A member of George Bush's own bioethics team, the neuroscientist and author Michael Gazzaniga, claims that embryos are about as aware as "sea slugs" in their first twenty-six weeks.

• Booze

  Fundamentalists say: God condemns getting drunk.

  Sinners say: Jesus's first miracle in John was to turn water into wine for a bunch of drunk people: "Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink; but you [Jesus] have saved the best till now."

• Affirmative Action

  Fundamentalists say: Minorities don't know how good they've got it here. In fact, they just hired a couple of them coloreds down there at Roy's Discount Muffler Shop. Roy even lets 'em work the cash register when the cameras are turned on!

  Sinners say: End affirmative action when equal opportunity actually exists.

• The Rapture and End-Times

  Fundamentalists say: Once the prophecies are fulfilled, Jesus will Rapture the church, just like in that Kirk Cameron movie "Left Behind."

  Sinners say: The word "Rapture" is never once mentioned in the Bible. And with regard to Jesus returning, Matthew 24:36 says, "No one knows about that day or hour." Sometimes we also say, Are you insane?